wheres_romeo

Amsterdam
Coldplay

Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I'd, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.

Come here, oh my star is fading
and I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole.

But time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
but it won't change a sin
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge
tied to the noose
She came along and she cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose

Not a good day.
Worst one in a long time.
Scratches.
Yelling.
Screaming and crying.
Storming off in a tantrum.
Almost getting the CAT (Crisis Assessment Team for those who don't know) team involved.
*sighs*
I don't know what I am doing anymore.
Mel has to tell me what to do.
Yet I still argue.
She has told me what to do till tomorrow when I get to Oak.
Even the little things like sitting and what order I eat foods in...
I don't eat, I sleep on my floor and I am going into dehydration.
I have no control right now.

Please help me.

Mel: "I'm proud of you Julz. I'm proud of you for calling."

And I cry...

Guys, I am about to do a huge friends cut. There are a few reasons to this. Either people haven't posted/commented in quite a while, I don't read your entries, what you write may be triggering towards my recovery, etc. This isn't to say that all of you fit into those catergories! I will be very sad so say goodbye to many of you as you have all been amazing, but at the moment, this is what I need to do! So far these are the people being kept, however if you still want to stay, please comment and I will decide from there. I will only be keeping this open for a few days, as I have a short attention span!

The people being kept are:

___inutero
baby_chino
bothfeetforward
brokensmile_xox
cook_monster
defying_deathx
destiny__x
golddustme
greendresswings
hope_is_swift
kittywa
lucid_whisper
raenstorm
sara_louise156
secret_sin
taboo2you
xdreamxforeverx

Both stolen from greendresswings:

Because I am pretty sure there are people who hate me.
So go ahead let it all out. I don't care what you say about me. Or why the hell would I be posting this meme? I am sure there is someone on my f-list that hates me or would like to say something about me. So here is your chance.
Have you had one of those days lately when you just scroll down your friends list and look at all the wonderful people you know... and wanted to smack a fair number of them? I'm sure you all know that every once in while, it's good to share your true feelings. It can be stress relieving, an opportunity to express true feelings while proving to be awfully amusing for those not taking part. And so, rising from the ashes is the traditional, yet ever time-killing Brutal Honesty Meme. Leave no throught unshared, no moron unwanked, no idiotic reply left without a searing, snarky retort. Have fun, children. It's time to get angry.

AND AND AND...

Post this in your journal, asking your friendslist to respond with whatever they know about you. It can be as matter of fact as 'Your name is Bridget, you're 25 and attending Harvard.' to the absolute useless 'One Thursday, you tried to hop down a flight of stairs and you fell on your face'.

I finally finished the puzzle in my room:

( Puzzle! )

( Me today )

It's so cold today. It's grey and rainy and...here...look for yourself!

( CRAP WEATHER!!! )

The way that I see myself is getting worse. A lot worse. I went shopping for jeans. I almost ended up smashing the mirror in the changing room. I then went to get a jumper instead and cracked the shits by that time. I had an anxiety attack while I was in the changing room...but I was by myself. Everytime I see myself in the mirror, I want to scream. I want to rip my body to pieces. My stomach, my thighs, my butt, my arms, my hips...I can't look in a mirror...right now, i'm serious, i'll smash the mirror...I want to recover. But I feel revolting. I LOOK revolting. I have put on so much FUCKING weight from this snack plan. I'm huge. FUCKING HUGE! I wanted to scream while I was in my car...I couldn't...Ed wouldn't let me. I just...it's my fault. I'm eating WAY too much. My skins crap too...EVERYTHING IS DISGUSTING!

Mel is telling me to write in here to keep me occupied. I want to purge...but I am trying to fight it. A big part of me doesn't think I can make it through tonight. If it gets bad (which I am scared...because it's getting that bad) she is going to be calling the ambulance. I am so scared. I said to her that I don't want to go and that it's not that bad. I don't see what I am doing as a problem. It's not killing me. It's not that bad. "Juliet. It is that bad. And if it gets worse tonight, then I want you to message me and I will call you and then call the ambulance." I want to be sick. This is stupid.

I don't ever want to talk to my parents again. They don't know everything, but they know enough. And just because I wanted to go and get the sleeping tablets by myself (Dad wanted to come with me and I said no) he isn't talking to me. YEAH THAT'S GOING TO FUCKING HELP THE SITUATION ISN'T IT?!?!

You all must think that "oh Juliet is crying for attention." BULLSHIT! I could hardly concentrate at work today and at one point Melinda wanted me out of there. I am barely making it through each day. And what's worse is that no one knows what's truly going on. I am too afraid to tell you. I don't want anyone to know. Anyway, it's not that bad.

My heart is beating so fast. The anxiety is insane. Part of me wants to go to hospital right now. To get away from myself. I'm hardly even safe to drive. I have to sit on one of my hands when I reach 5th gear, so that I'm not a hazard to myself. WHY DOES HE DO THAT?! WHY IS HE SO AWKWARD?!?! WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS GETTING TO ME!?!?! He just goes on his merry FUCKING way and doesn't talk to me. I don't know if I can make it through tonight. Imagine what I say to my parents though? "Um yeah, hi i'm going to hospital." Why am I so afraid. I wish I could leave my house and they didn't care. I wish that I didn't live at home. The anxiety is getting worse right now. Someone help me please. I don't want to message Melinda...but I don't know what else to do. I'm not breathing properly...I keep fidgeting...my jaw hurts from clenching it...

Someone help me please. Because I am not winning. Eating disorder and anxiety go hand in hand...they're best buds as Melinda said last night. I don't want to be here right now, I truly don't.

30 SECONDS TO MARS ROCK!!! Thanks to Claire from myspace...now i'm obsessed :P

Year Zero
30 Seconds To Mars

Be a hero
Kill your ego
It doesn't matter it's all just a pack of lies
Build a new base
Steal a new face
It doesn't matter it's all just to save you
We'll never fade away
We'll never fade away

I will stand by your ground
I will tear down myself
I won't fade

Year zero
Another hero
Is anybody alive here across the line?
Buy a new face
Start a new race
It doesn't matter it's all just to save your face
It's all just to save you
It's all just to save your face
It's all just to save you

We'll never fade away
We'll never fade away

I will stand by your ground
I will tear down myself
I will stand by your ground
I will tear down myself
I won't fade
I won't fade

We'll never fade away
We'll never fade away
We'll never fade away
We'll never fade away

We'll never fade away
We'll never fade away (We will never fade away)
We'll never fade away (We will never fade away)
We'll never fade away (We will never fade away)
We'll never fade away (We will never fade)
We'll never fade away (We will never fade away)
We'll never fade away (We will never fade)
We'll never fade away

Yeah I know i'm a camera whore...but do you like my new jumper?

( We'll never fade away... )

Sisters hate each other. Sisters love each other. I know I go through phases where I hate Emily so much...never as much as I did hate her however. But now...I love this girl with all my heart! She seems to be the only one to notice when I am struggling...she made sure that I had breakfast this morning. I thank her for that...

( Sisterly love )

I'm going to be sick.

I seriously feel like shit.

I am shaking.

I can't concentrate.

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

I needed to see Vanessa today.

But she's sick.

So I won't be seeing her.

I really need to speak to someone.

Just be hugged.

Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

But I can't stop listening.

I won't be eating today.

I had a mini, two sushi rolls and a piece of brownie yesterday.

That's all i've eaten since Sunday.

I'm going to be sick.

I need to get out of this.

Now.

I just want to be hugged.

I need to speak to someone.

I can't stop myself anymore.

I need help.

And I need it now.

MAN! What a day!!! I cleaned my car this morning, before going to Erika's. When I got there, Erika, Caitlin and Jackie were there and we waited outside and then Joanne turned up. We sat around, then hoped in my car on our way to UNI to hand in my 1530 word lab report on helping behaviour in a social situation!!! YAY!!! What did you girls think of uni?!?! I must admit, it was a tad crazy today....JEWISH CLUB!!! Freaks.....no offence....LOL! Oh and well done Enks or Caitlin, for buggering up the elevator!! We had a wonderful chat to the elevator reception helper woman lady!!! LOL!!!

Then Caitlin directed me to Box Hill. Oh what fun we all had there!!! LOL!!! Get ready.....MAJOR PHOTO SHOT....as in 107 photos :O And because Caitlin asked ever so nicely i'm going to post every single one!!!!

BEWARE!!! MAY TAKE A WHILE TO LOAD!!!!

( World's biggest photo LJ cut!!! )

HAHA!!! Did you know that Marines have dorsal fins....that's why they're SO good at swimming :P

After that, I bummed around at Erika's for a tiny bit, then also headed off on my own way home. Now I am home and uploading SO MANY GOD DAMN PICS!!! LOL!

I figured out something today....when I HAVE to eat something, I don't want it. Not one part of me does. Then after I am away from food, I realise what a stupid mistake I just made and realised that I should have it! The thing is, as soon as I am shoved into the "YOU HAVE TO HAVE FOOD" situation again, I forget about the regret of not having it earlier, it's as though I become a completely different person, full of self hatred and not wanting to recover again....it doesn't make any sense.

Something scary happened on the way home and when I finally got here....what's wrong with me!?!?!?! :(

New Quiz made by me :)

I like making quizzes.....TIME FOR WORK!!!

FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVES THE MOVIE ANCHORMAN......VISIT MY USERINFO!!!!

Yes....the weight stated there at the start is true. Part of my ed is good, because thats how much it has changed my life. But i'm not going to be happy until I get to that last number.

( stats for those who want to know )

I'm doing the star thingy too!!

( From caisimy )

( From my_odd_sock )</lj-cut)